Thursday, June 29, 2017

Over Protected

I'm just a regular guy and I'm not saying kids are over-protected today, but we never had to wear a safety helmet and goggles to make toast when I was a kid.

Fat Storage

I'm just a regular guy and I'm convinced that the human body stores fat in order to survive the hard, difficult times when the supermarket is closed.

Postponed Success

I'm just a regular guy and I never fail. I do, at times, though, have to temporarily postpone my success.

Investing

I'm just a regular guy and my CFP, Fred Vaught, told me how our economy got so messed up. We have stopped investing the Warren Buffet way, and started investing the Jimmy Buffet way.

No Red Meat

I'm just a regular guy and my doctor told me it was time to give up red meat. It wasn't as hard as I thought. Last night I had a bag of potato chips, a Coke, and 2 Snickers for dinner.

Measuring Food

I'm just a regular guy and I don't know how it works, but my doctor told me the best way to control my weight is by measuring out my food. I started last night: The donut shop is .5 miles away, the hamburger stand is .7 miles away, pizza, a mere .2 miles away...

Success

I'm just a regular guy reminding you that success isn't all it's cracked up to be. Caesar was one of the greatest leaders who ever lived, and all he got was a salad named after him.

Arizona Heat

I'm just a regular guy getting ready to leave Arizona. I had forgotten that Ov-Gloves are required to hold on to your steering wheel in Phoenix!

Growing Up

I'm just a regular guy and I had to remind myself this week that there is no law that makes you grow up; you must do it voluntarily!

Dental Office

I'm just a regular guy and yesterday, I spent a couple of hours at the office of Clay Nichols, DDS, getting a broken tooth repaired. While waiting for the Novocain to take effect, the Satellite Music Station was playing "Fidler on the Roof of Your Mouth."

Documentary

I'm just a regular guy and last night I watched the most interesting documentary on the Discovery Channel. It was adapted from a YouTube video based on a Tweet inspired by a FaceBook comment about a text message.

English Grammar

I'm just a regular guy and I'd like to add this to the next English Grammar textbook:

Ipod
You pod
We pod
They pod


Ipad
You pad
We pad
They pad

Broken Molar

I'm just a regular guy and one of my molars broke in half this week. My dear Janet asked if it hurt to chew. I told her, "It will if you make me eat broccoli, liver, or tofu."

Stock Market

I'm just a regular guy and I asked my fantastic financial planner, Fred Vaught, if it was best to invest in a bull or bear Market. He said it depends on if you want to be gored or mauled.

Motivational Speaker

I'm just a regular guy whose Father, while not famous, was a great motivational speaker. Every morning he would come to my room and say, "Rickey, get out of bed and get to work, you lazy bum!"

School's Out

I'm just a regular guy with this advice for students: Now that you're out of school, don't forget to make a back-up copy of your brain. You don't want to lose what you learned last year in school.

Wall Street

I'm just a regular guy and I'm ready for an exciting vacation. I'm thinking about taking my grandkids to Wall Street. They've got the most terrifying roller coaster I've ever been on!

Position Title

I'm just a regular guy and a pastor. In our last meeting, the Elders assigned me as the Executive Director of Personal Energy and Management Resources - I bring the coffee and doughnuts.

Food Groups

I'm just a regular guy and I'm glad the FDA has finally come up with a realistic, 4 Basic Food Groups list: "More," "A Little More," "A Lot More," and "Too Much."

Software

I'm just a regular guy and I've been trying out some new computer software. The one I really like is 25% softer than the old software.

Stock Market

I'm just a regular guy and according to my great financial planner, Fred Vaught, the Stock Market is pretty sensitive these days. I know that's true because yesterday it was reported that a fern died in Warren Buffet's office and the Market declined 100 points.

Alternative Fuel Vehicle

I'm just a regular guy and I'm really excited reading about an alternative-fuel vehicle that runs on fat instead of gasoline...no, wait...it's a bicycle.

Wednesday, June 28, 2017

Camp Site

I'm just a regular guy and since school is out, I'm ready for a Summer vacation. This year I'm looking for a genuine back-to-nature camping experience... but with Wi-Fi, air conditioning, and satellite TV.

Diet/Exercise

I'm just a regular guy and for the last year, I've followed my doctor's advice by walking 30 minutes every day, drinking 8 glasses of water, and eating 5 fruits and vegetables...but I'm still getting older.

Fl;ossing

I'm just a regular guy and I'm not saying that I don't floss as often as I should, but yesterday my Endodontist found a piece of a candy bar stuck between my teeth that hasn't been made since 1987.

Tiny House

I'm just a regular guy impressed with the creative ingenuity seen on THE TINY HOUSE NATION. Yesterday, I saw a 200 sq ft home that featured 4 bedrooms, 3 bathrooms and an indoor swimming pool.

School Supplies

I'm just a regular guy and my, how things have changed! My grandson gave me a list of school supplies he needs for next year. They include: a notebook APP, a pencil APP, an eraser APP, a ruler APP, a paperclip APP...

Mental Health

I'm just a regular guy working diligently to improve my health. I do weights for muscular health, cardio for heart health, and chocolates for mental health.

Root Canal

I'm just a regular guy and I went to my outstanding dentists, Clay and Susan Nichols, yesterday, only to find out that I have to get an emergency root canal today! It must be my biting sarcasm.

Treadmill

I'm just a regular guy and I have a confession to make: I bought a treadmill to cover a stain in our carpet.

Bottled Water

I'm just a regular guy wondering why you can buy a bottle of water for 99¢, but a bottle of low-carb, gluten free water costs $2.99.

Retirement

I'm just a regular guy and today I have an important retirement strategy meeting with my financial planner, Fred Vaught. Here's how that meeting will start. Me: "Fred, I want to retire next year and I haven't saved a dime. Here's your chance to become a legend!"

Spend Money to Make Money

I'm just a regular guy asking you not to buy into the "You have to spend money to make money" mantra. I bought a boat, a car, and a giant-screen TV, and it hasn't helped my finances at all.

Spam

I'm just a regular guy and I just returned home from two weeks in Africa. I got to my office yesterday at 9:00 AM, turned on my computer, deleted all the SPAM from the previous two weeks, then it was time to go home.

Twitter

I'm just a regular guy and I know the disciples followed Jesus... but not on Twitter!

Romeo and Juliet

I'm just a regular guy reading a modern version of Shakespeare's classic, "Romeo and Juliet." This time, it tragically ends when Juliet unfriends Romeo on FaceBook.

Wobbly-Wheel APP

I'm just a regular guy looking for an APP developer and an investor. I'm trying to create a "Shakey-Screen" APP. That way, when shopping online, I feel like I got the cart with wobbly wheels.

Tax Day

I'm just a regular guy and it's Monday after Tax Day. I'm wondering if I can write of last year's taxes as a bad investment.

Tax Day

I'm just a regular guy and it's TAX DAY - Yay! I'd like to personally thank the IRS. If they didn't take most of my money, I'd have to find time in my busy schedule to spend it myself.

Tax Day

I'm just a regular guy and it's countdown to Tax Day. This year, I'm supporting a new, comprehensive and equitable tax reform where everyone pays more money except me.

Tax Day

I'm just a regular guy and it's countdown to Tax Day. In comparison with the rest of the world, Americans are filthy rich. That's why the IRS wants to take them to the cleaners.

Tax Day

I'm just a regular guy and it's countdown to Tax Day. I'm happy to say that I still have the first dollar I ever made. The IRS has the rest.

Tax Day

I'm just a regular guy and it's countdown to Tax Day. I've discovered a loophole in the tax code. You can wipe out all your property taxes by moving to Cyberspace and living at your web address.

Tax Day

I'm just a regular guy and it's countdown to tax day. I'm getting suspicious of my tax guy. He told me I needed another deduction, so he billed me twice!

Tax Code

I'm just a regular guy and it's countdown to tax day. Yes, the forms are impossible to understand. That's why they call them the tax "code."

Tax Day

I'm just a regular guy and it's countdown to tax day. Yesterday, I walked around the block. Yes, it was a Lego. Next week I plan to up the ante. I'm walking around a cinder block. The following week, H & R Block!

Tax Day

I'm just a regular guy and it's countdown to tax day. I'm convinced the IRS could make the current tax forms a lot easier if they would add a section that explains the explanations.

Tax Day

I'm just a regular guy and it's countdown to tax day. I now believe that the IRS has made more liars out of the American people than golf!

Tax Day

I'm just a regular guy and it's countdown to tax day. George Washington, we are taught, never told a lie. But then, he never had to fill out a Form 1040.

Tax Day

I'm just a regular guy and tomorrow starts the countdown to Tax Day. Be careful this year. I understand the IRS is not only asking for your tax dollars, but a 15% tip as well.

Law Firm

I'm just a regular guy that had to settle something right away. I got the help I needed at the Law Firm of Rock, Paper, & Scissors.

Easter eggs

I'm just a regular guy realizing I'm out of touch with today's generation. I heard a kid at an Easter Egg Hunt say that she filled her basket with tattooed eggs.

Modern Riddle

I'm just a regular guy with a modern-day riddle: If a tree falls in the forest, but you don't hear about it on FaceBook, YouTube, or Twitter, did it really happen?

Grammar Update

I'm just a regular guy with this grammar update: When texting, it's @ before :-) except after #.

Stock Market

I'm just a regular guy with great economic news: The Stock Market rose sharply yesterday on news that sharply rising stock prices happens once in a while.

Modern Relationships

I'm just a regular guy wondering about modern relationships. How is it that one day you can share the same toothbrush, and the next day you can't share the same planet!

Leadership Skills

I'm just a regular guy and I know I'm not lacking leadership skills. Everyone else lacks followship skills!

Presidential Race

I'm just a regular guy waiting for this announcement: After a considerable time of soul-searching, I have decided to drop out of the race for President to spend more time on Candy Crush.

What's in a Name?

I'm just a regular guy asking, What's in a name? At my grandson's preschool, there are two girls named Selfie, one boy named Tweet, and twin girls named ### and Siri.

Hog Futures

I'm just a regular guy with an investment dilemma: Do I invest in hog futures or fill up my freezer with bacon while it's on sale?

Productivity Coach

I'm just a regular guy debating: Shall I hire a productivity coach, or just get a bigger coffee machine?

SmartPhone

I'm just a regular guy and sometimes I ask my SmartPhone to do something really stupid...just to keep it humble.

Neck Ties

I'm just a regular guy who loves to wear a necktie. That is until Sunday when someone told me, "A necktie is basically a noose on one end and a spear on the other." There must be a metaphor in that somewhere!

Two Ears

I'm just a regular guy wondering if God gave us two ears so that with one, we can hear what you say, and with the other, we can hear what you mean.

Liquidity

I'm just a regular guy and last week, after reviewing our underfunded retirement plan, a tear came to my eye. Our financial planner said, "Now, that's liquidity." Nice guy, that Fred Vaught!

Blue Chip Stocks

I'm just a regular guy and my fantastic financial planner, Fred Vaught, and I don't always speak the same language. He's keeps on recommending "blue chips." Everyone knows that yellow chips taste better with guacamole.

10 Commandments

I'm just a regular guy and when I was a kid, I didn't know all the 10 Commandments. But I did know three of them: "Settle down," "Act your age," and "Take that out of your mouth." (Well, at least I thought they were Commandments!)

Swimming

I'm just a regular guy wondering if swimming is so good for you, why don't fish have rock-hard abs?

IRA Fund

I'm just a regular guy and last night I emptied my IRA to fund a special evening. I was able to purchase a pizza, movie ticket, and a Cold Stone ice cream.

Chiropractor

I'm just a regular guy reminding you that if your head is in the clouds while your feet are on the ground, and if you keep reaching for the stars while you roll with the flow, by tomorrow, you'll need to see a chiropractor.

Enzyme Discovery

I'm just a regular guy happy to report a new scientific discovery that says coffee and donuts release an enzyme in the brain that creates the illusion that committee meetings are a productive way of getting things done.

Credit Cards

I'm just a regular guy who knows that a credit card is something you use to buy something that costs too much and you want to pay 24% more for it!

Running Shoes

I'm just a regular guy who knows that "running shoes" are anything but that. All mine just want to sit and watch TV.

Shingles

I'm just a regular guy getting over a case of shingles. According to the Internet, I need to back up my kidneys, defrag my liver, and reboot my immune system.

Diet

I'm just a regular guy and I lost 2 ounces last week on my new diet. But when I converted that to metric, factored in dog years, and adjusted for the wind chill factor, it came to 15 pounds.

Retirement

I'm just a regular guy with a new retirement program from my astute financial planner, Fred Vaught. To retire with a million dollars, he now advises investing three million.

Weight Problem

I'm just a regular guy and I've discovered that my weight problem is a symptom of modern technology. My mouth has a broadband connection to the nutrition superhighway.

New Diet

I'm just a regular guy and I've developed a new exercise routine that includes my dog. I've taught him to throw a stick, and I go fetch it.

Affordable Care Act

I'm just a regular guy and my insurance has gone up 40% since the enactment of the Affordable Care Act. They no longer send an invoice...I get a notice that says, "Pay up or die!"

Revival Soup

I'm just a regular guy, creator of REVIVAL soup. It's made with: jalapeños, chili powder, cayenne pepper, chipotles, ghost peppers, red onions, and a splash of Tabasco. It's guaranteed to rekindle the fire in your soul.

Bad Economy Advise

I'm just a regular guy and I'm not saying the economy is bad, but my remarkable financial planner, Fred Vaught, has stopped quoting Warren Buffet and is now quoting Jimmy Buffet.

Pay by Phone

I'm just a regular guy and I loved paying for things with my iPhone 6s+... that is until I was charged $760,555,742.5!

Christmas Carol

I'm just a regular guy and there is only one Christmas carol suited for my voice: the one with the dogs barking "Jingle Bells."

Diet Pill

I'm just a regular guy trying the new 3-Pill Christmas Diet: One pill blocks fat. One pill blocks carbs. And one pill blocks the refrigerator.

Peace on Earth

I'm just a regular guy with this Holiday reminder: "Peace on earth and good will toward men" — There is no App for that!

Hi-Def TV

I'm just a regular guy and I love my new 55 inch, super-high definition TV. It makes everything look brighter and sharper...except politicians!

Affordable Care Act

I'm just a regular guy revisiting the fine print of the Affordable Healthcare Act, and it's not good news. It says that breakable bones, the tendency to bleed when cut, and susceptibility to viruses and germs are all preexisting conditions.

10-Minute Walk

I'm just a regular guy and I'm thinking about taking a friend's dog with me on my next walk in Pine Hills. A 10 minutes walk will equal a 70 minute walk in dog years!

Friday the 13th

I'm just a regular guy and Friday the 13th doesn't scare me as much as Monday the 16th.

Rules for Money

I'm just a regular guy and I love the confidence of my outstanding financial planner, Fred Vaught, "Follow my rules and you'll never lose money." So, I asked him, "What are the rules?" He said, "Rule 1: Don't lose money!"

The Brain

I'm just a regular guy with exciting news about a new, breakthrough discovery of the brain: The left side contains all of our thoughts, knowledge, and memories. The right side is a back-up copy.

Fixed Rate Mortgage

I'm just a regular guy and I saw an advertisement for a low, FIXED-RATE refinance. I looked up the company and read the fine print. It said," FIXED RATE MORTGAGE: If interest rates go up again and again, and you're not paying enough, we'll fix it.”

Symptoms

I'm just a regular guy and I haven't felt too well lately. I researched my symptoms, and according to the Internet, I either have two left kidneys or Dutch Elm disease.

Suits

I'm just a regular guy and boy, has technology changed in my lifetime. This weekend I bought a new suit. It was 50% worsted wool and 50% digital.

Alphabet Soup

I'm just a regular guy and yesterday, I bought a can of alphabet soup. It now comes in your choice of Times New Roman, Helvetica, or San Serif.

Flossing

I'm just a regular guy looking forward to my dental appointment next week with Clay and Susan Nichols - the world's BEST dental group. To answer your question in advance, "Yes, I do floss regularly — right before each appointment!"

Apple Shaped

I'm just a regular guy and I had my annual physical a couple of days ago. The doctor said some people are pear shaped, but that I'm more apple shaped. I guess I really need to work on my core.

Burnout

I'm just a regular guy and I don't know if it's burnout, but yesterday I set my smoke detector off twice.

Diet Soda

I'm just a regular guy and I could not care less about a diet soda that tastes like lemon and lime. I want one that tastes like a cheeseburger.

New Serenity Prayer

I'm just a regular guy with a new "Serenity Prayer:.." God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change without a remote control.

Happy Camper

I'm just a regular guy and when I'm not a happy camper, I make a big batch of s'mores.

If I Had A Hammer

I'm just a regular guy and if I had a hammer, I'd hammer in the morning. I'd hammer in the evening. But I doubt I'd complete the project on time and under budget.

Resistance Training

I'm just a regular guy and along with my cardio workout, I've started a new resistance training: I resist chocolate, pizza, pastries, cheeseburgers...

Typo

I'm just a regular guy and I hate typos. I was doing so well on that Low-Crab diet!

Foot Massager

I'm just a regular guy and I love my iPhone 6+. It makes clear phone calls, takes great photos and videos, plays high quality music, and when you set it on vibrate and put it in your sock, it is a great foot massager.

Brainstorm

I'm just a regular guy who understands that some days, your mind is a brainstorm. Other days, it's cloudy with a chance of meatballs!

Faster Computer

I'm just a regular guy and I accidentally spilt coffee on my computer this morning. Don't worry. Now, on caffeine, I think it's running faster!

Retirement

I'm just a regular guy and since turning 65, I'm reading a lot about retirement. So far, I've discovered that to have a comfortable retirement, you need to invest heavily in stocks, bonds, mutual funds, and Ben-Gay.

Location, Location, Location

I'm just a regular guy and I couldn't be more happy with the location of my house here in Julian. It's close to my yard and driveway, and within walking distance of my car and mailbox.

Stock Exchange

I'm just a regular guy and I love the New York Stock Exchange's plan to remodel. According to the blueprints, they will lower the ceiling to 4 feet. That should make it easier for our investments to go through the roof.

Sensible Diet

I'm just a regular guy fascinated by an article in one of my wife's magazines. It said that you can lose 50 pounds in the first month by eating a chocolate cake three times a day. Finally a diet that makes sense!

Soul Food

I'm just a regular guy and on the menu today is "Soul Food" It includes:

Chicken Soup for the soul
Enchilada for the ego
Hash Browns for the heart and
Milkshake for the mind


It's gonna be a great day!

Property Tax Hike

I'm just a regular guy and I've found happiness in my own back yard. Unfortunately, it resulted in a substantial property tax hike.

Comfortable Retirement

I'm just a regular guy and I finally have enough money to retire comfortably...if you define comfortably as a pair of soft slippers and loose fitting sweats.

Wall Street Mascots

I'm just a regular guy and I think it's time to change the Wall Street mascots from Bears and Bulls to Rabbits and Cockroaches. Rabbits multiply quickly and Cockroaches can survive anything.

Affordable Care Act

I'm just a regular guy perplexed by the Affordable Care Act. In the fine print is says if you go to your doctor with a heart condition, he must flip a coin - Heads: Heart Transplant; Tails: Baby Aspirin.

You Can't Judge a Book...

I'm just a regular guy and I just read my first eBook. All I can say is, You can't judge a book by its file size.

Sensitive Teeth

I'm just a regular guy and my teeth are sensitive to hot and cold. When it's hot, they want ice cream. When it's cold, they want pizza.

Early Retirement

I'm just a regular guy and I met with Fred Vaught, my amazing financial planner yesterday. After reviewing my investments, he set me up for early retirement: At age 85, I can retire at 4:30 instead of 5:00.

Change of Diet

I'm just a regular guy and I've been on the "Cheeseburger and Fries" diet for a month. Trust me, it doesn't work. Today, I'm starting on the "Lasagna and Cheesecake" diet. I'll let you know how it works in a month.

Pulitzer Prize

I'm just a regular guy with this headline news: The Pulitzer Prize for Literature just went to the author of an Emoticon sent from his SmartWatch.

Meeting Man

I'm just a regular guy looking for a new kind of "Super Hero." How about "Meeting Man," whose super power has the ability to keep you awake during PowerPoints.

Bypass

I'm just a regular guy considering my weight-loss options: Gastric bypass, donut bypass, pizza bypass, buffet bypass...

Smart Watch

I'm just a regular guy with mixed feelings about my new Smart Watch. Sure, it tracks my steps, calories, heart beat, and blood pressure, but it also tracks my excuses.

Sluggish Computer

I'm just a regular guy dealing with a very sluggish computer this morning. Must be all the spam and cookies.

HR Policy

I'm just a regular guy and I'm not happy with our new HR office policy. It seems we have to replace our coffee with diversi-tea.

Ache-Breaky-Heart

I'm just a regular guy reading the Affordable Care Act. According to the fine print, insurance companies no longer have to pay for your achy-breaky-heart.

Affordable Care Act

I'm just a regular guy and according to the fine print of the Affordable Care Act, your health insurance no longer covers heartburn. That now requires fire insurance.

In Sync

I'm just a regular guy and yesterday was a pretty good day. For a little while, my computer and I were functional at the same time.

Weather App

I'm just a regular guy and I really like the new Religious Weather APP for my iPhone 6+. Today's forecast calls for a plague of locust and scattered showers of fire and brimstone!

Slow Computer

I'm just a regular guy and I'm not saying my computer is old and slow, but today it took two minutes to download the electricity to turn on.

1+1 = ?

I'm just a regular guy and my grandson, just learning math, asked me if I knew what 1¢ + 1¢ =. I said, "Sure. Mathematically it's 2¢. Philosophically it's how the whole banking and Wall Street mess started."

Wild & Reckless Youth

I'm just a regular guy who had a wild and reckless youth. I ate gluten and peanuts without wearing a helmet or using sunblock.

Affordable Care Act

I'm just a regular guy and I just read that I have very limited coverage with the Affordable Care Act. Fortunately, my surgeon can do amazing things with nail clippers and duct tape.

Declining Dollar

I'm just a regular guy with this economic news update. Already this week, the dollar is down against the Euro, Franc, Shekel, Lira and chocolate coins.

I Need That

I'm just a regular guy and I love modern gadgetry. Yesterday I bought bluetooth toenail clippers; they get FaceBook, check my eMails, and take photos. What do you mean, why do I need that?

Motherboard

I'm just a regular guy and for the most part I get along well with family members. Right now, though, I'm having a terrible time with my motherboard.

Herbs and Garlic

I'm just a regular guy and my doctor told me that garlic and herbs were helpful in lowering cholesterol. So last night I downed a bag of garlic and herb potato chips.

Texting

I'm just a regular guy wondering, when you are trying to fall asleep, do your thumbs feel like they are still texting?

My Dinosaurs

I'm just a regular guy excitedly waiting to see Jurassic World. I hear they show a lot of things from that time period [145-201 Million BC]. Things like newspapers, vinyl records, landline telephones, and AM/FM stereo boomboxes.

Age Change

I'm just a regular guy and I turned 65 about 3 weeks ago. I'm thinking of having my age legally changed to 25 so that I can start saving for my retirement.

Computer Skills

I'm just a regular guy and I wouldn't say my computer skills are outdated, I'd say they are classic.

Blu-Tooth

I'm just a regular guy and I know that brushing and flossing help prevent gingivitis, but what can I do to prevent blu-tooth?

Road to Success

I'm just a regular guy who has spent many years on the "Road to Success," only to find out I've been driving in the wrong direction!

Great Motivational Speaker

I'm just a regular guy and last night, I went to the GREATEST motivational seminar I've ever been to. The speaker stood up and said, "If you're here tonight instead of at home on your sofa, you're already a motivated person and don't need me. Good night, and thanks for coming."

Buckets of Money

I'm just a regular guy and the reason I never made "buckets of money" is the companies I worked for never gave me a bucket.

Foreign Oil

I'm just a regular guy and I've stopped using Italian dressing. I'm trying to reduce America's dependence on foreign oil.