Friday's Diet

I'm just a regular guy and I plan to eat everything I want tomorrow - it's Thanksgiving. Friday I plan to start 5 different diets at once. One of them is bound to work!

More Time

I'm just a regular guy and I don't need unlimited minutes...I need more time!

Thanksgiving Prayer

Lord, make us grateful for the cholesterol, weight gain, and indigestion we are about to receive.

Hand Washing

I'm just a regular guy who thinks that employees should not only be required to wash their hands after using the bathroom, but they should also be required to take a polygraph test to prove they did.

Blame

I'm just a regular guy who has reached the age when I can no longer blame things on my parents. I guess I'll pass the blame to my computer or the government.

Thanksgiving - A Revised History

I'm just a regular guy with this updated history: 

On the first Thanksgiving, the Pilgrims went to an Indian casino for the all-you-can-eat buffet.

Marriage

I'm just a regular guy and when it comes to marriage, I don't want a PRENUP, I want a WARRANTY!

Virus Software

I'm just a regular guy who knows that Virus Software doesn't work. Stupidity isn't a virus.

Ideas

I'm just a regular guy wondering if giving birth to a great idea qualifies for paid maternity leave.

Veggies

I'm just a regular guy and my favorite vegetable is pudding. I didn't know it was a vegetable until I saw it on a salad bar.

Thinking

I'm just a regular guy who thinks about going on a long walk every morning. At least my brain is getting a little exercise.

Lottery

I'm just a regular guy who thinks the best way to make money from the LOTTERY is to invest in the company that prints the tickets.