Friday's Diet

I'm just a regular guy and I plan to eat everything I want tomorrow - it's Thanksgiving. Friday I plan to start 5 different diets at once. One of them is bound to work!

More Time

I'm just a regular guy and I don't need unlimited minutes...I need more time!

Thanksgiving Prayer

Lord, make us grateful for the cholesterol, weight gain, and indigestion we are about to receive.

Hand Washing

I'm just a regular guy who thinks that employees should not only be required to wash their hands after using the bathroom, but they should also be required to take a polygraph test to prove they did.

Blame

I'm just a regular guy who has reached the age when I can no longer blame things on my parents. I guess I'll pass the blame to my computer or the government.

Thanksgiving - A Revised History

I'm just a regular guy with this updated history: 

On the first Thanksgiving, the Pilgrims went to an Indian casino for the all-you-can-eat buffet.

Marriage

I'm just a regular guy and when it comes to marriage, I don't want a PRENUP, I want a WARRANTY!

Virus Software

I'm just a regular guy who knows that Virus Software doesn't work. Stupidity isn't a virus.

Ideas

I'm just a regular guy wondering if giving birth to a great idea qualifies for paid maternity leave.

Veggies

I'm just a regular guy and my favorite vegetable is pudding. I didn't know it was a vegetable until I saw it on a salad bar.

Thinking

I'm just a regular guy who thinks about going on a long walk every morning. At least my brain is getting a little exercise.

Lottery

I'm just a regular guy who thinks the best way to make money from the LOTTERY is to invest in the company that prints the tickets.

Microwave

I'm just a regular guy who has a watch that makes phone calls, a phone that takes photos, an iBook that plays games -- can anybody tell me what happens when I turn on the microwave? 

Cholesterol

I'm just a regular guy wondering the logic in good cholesterol coming from tofu, broccoli, and spinach, and bad cholesterol coming from ice cream, cheeseburgers, and pizza.

Soul Searching

I'm just a regular guy who woke up with the need to do a little soul-searching. Which is better: Google, Yahoo!, or Bing?

Sensitive Teeth

I'm just a regular guy and after my visit to the dentist this week, I realized that I have very sensitive teeth. If they don't get enough chocolate, they get depressed.

Student Loans

I'm just a regular guy who thought about going to med school to be a doctor, but I get squeamish at the site of student loans.

Analogy

I'm just a regular guy who finds sports analogies to be a powerful tool to inspire teamwork. However, my staff said that next time, I should use illustrations from football, basketball, or baseball—not duck-duck-goose!

Compliments

I'm just a regular guy waiting for the day when the FDA classifies compliments as an essential nutrient.

Bold and Innovative

I'm just a regular guy trying to find a bold and innovative way to do things the same way I've done them for the past 25 years.

Calorie Burner

I'm just a regular guy wondering which burns the most calories, Twittering, Blogging, or Googling?

Workaholic

I'm just a regular guy suggesting that aside from ulcers, heart attacks, bypass surgery, stints, broken families, and drug and alcohol related problems, being a workaholic never hurt anyone.

Data Encryption

I'm just a regular guy and today I'm implementing new security encryption for all the data on my computer. From now on, I don't have to worry about hackers. I suggest you get it too. I got it really cheap off the Internet. All you need is the egret-say ode-cay!

New Jack Sprat

I'm just a regular guy who thinks we ought to leave well enough alone. I was sitting here at my computer thinking about limericks and rhymes from my youth, and thought if some of them were written today, they'd be awful. Like this: Jack Sprat could eat no fat. His wife could eat no...carbs.

Bachelor's Degree

I'm just a regular guy wondering if my Bachelor's degree was invalidated when I got married.

RLS

I'm just a regular guy reading up on a new medication for RLS - Restless Leg Syndrome. If it works I hope they'll develop something for RTS - Restless Tongue Syndrome.

Pilates

I'm just a regular guy and I went to a Pilates class yesterday. Did I get the shock of my life! When I got there, they were doing exercises. I thought it was about Pie & Lattes!

Garlic and Herbs

I'm just a regular guy working on my cholesterol. Yesterday I read an interesting article how herbs and garlic improve your cholesterol. So I went to CostCo and bought a 10 pound bag of garlic and herb potato chips.

Demon Wrestling

I'm just a regular guy and I might have a better time wrestling my demons if I had a name like Hulk Hogan, Sgt. Slaughter, or John Cena.

Blood Sugar Level

I'm just a regular guy and although my blood sugar level is high, my chocolate level is fine!

2nd Trimester

I'm just a regular guy, and for inspiration for my new diet, I placed a photo of myself on the corner of my computer screen. It was taken when I was thin and had a lot of hair. I think it was during my Mom's second trimester.

Crouton

I'm just a regular guy who thinks that a chocolate brownie looks sort of like a giant crouton, so it's almost a salad.

Liposuction

I'm just a regular guy and I know how liposuction works. I'm wondering if it would help get "It's A Small World After All" from replaying in my head!

Church Lite

I'm just a regular guy who tries to think of new ways to reach our culture. I've thought it might be a good idea to start the first Lite Church: Home of the 7% tithe; Low-Cal(vanism); 7 Commandments (one for each day of the week); 20-minute worship services with a 10 minute sermonette for Christianettes; and offerings taken every other week. Lite Church... Everything You Want in a Church, and LESS!

Marriage is the Best Teacher

I'm just a regular guy who has learned a lot by being married to my dear Janet for 40 years. That's right, marriage is the best teacher. Here are some of the great qualities you learn through marriage: Loyalty, Meekness, Forbearance, Self-restraint, Forgiveness, and others—qualities you'd never need if you remain single.

Throwing in the Towel

I'm just a regular guy and I thought about throwing in the towel this morning. But then I realized that would just add to the laundry.

Dietary Tip

I'm just a regular guy with this dietary tip: The healthiest part of a donut is the hole. Unfortunately, you have to eat through the rest of the donut to get there!

Cell Phone

I'm just a regular guy with a cell phone that alerts me when the battery is critically low. I wish they made one that would alert me when the conversation is going to be critically dull.

Spell-Check

I'm just a regular guy who loves technology. I was updating my professional resume yesterday, and my computer's "spell-check" changed my alma mater California Graduate School of Theology to Harvard!

Energy

I'm just a regular guy wondering what happens next. My first 5-Hour Energy shot expires in just 15 minutes!

Father's Day

I'm just a regular guy, and a Father. I wanted to do something really special on Father's Day, but instead, I'm staying home to delete 1,214 photos of my hand from my new cell phone!

Investments

I'm just a regular guy who thinks that my financial planner should lower his ceiling to five feet max. Then it would be easier for my investments to go through the roof. 

Father's Day Advice

I'm just a regular guy with this Father's Day advice: Live your life in such a way that if you ever have to register with an online dating service, they won't match you with a recliner and TV set! Happy Father's Day everyone!

Boomer

I'm just a regular guy known today as a "Boomer." That's because "boom" is the sound most of us will make when we crash into retirement.

Cheaper Insurance

I'm just a regular guy wondering if we could reduce health insurance costs by letting our co-workers diagnose us with information they find on the Internet.

Time Management

I'm just a regular guy who knows that time management is a great concept, if you have time for it.

Faster Computers

I'm just a regular wondering why they keep making faster computers but do nothing to make faster computer operators.

OSHA Regulations

I'm just a regular guy keeping up with government regulators. Due to stricter OSHA safety regulations, we are no longer allowed to grab the bull by the horns.