I'm just a regular guy and when I ask for directions, please don't use large, unintelligible words like North, South, East, or West.

A New Age

I'm just a regular guy and before I retired, I learned about different metal ages: the "Bronze Age" and the "Iron Age." Now that I'm retired, I'm learning about another metal age: the "Lead-in-the-Pants Age."

Cough

I'm just a regular guy and I knew I was in the wrong clinic when the doctor put his hand on my wallet and asked me to cough. 

At that Age

I'm just a regular guy and I'm at the age when I can polka for hours, but can't bend over to pick up a gum wrapper.

Retirement Dilemma

I'm just a regular guy with this retirement truth: Two can live as cheaply as one ... but only half as long!

Social Media

I'm just a regular guy wondering why we call it "Social Media" when there is nothing social about it!

Keeping Up with the Joneses

I'm just a regular guy and, forget about the Joneses — I can't even keep up with the Flintstones.

Summer Vacation

I'm just a regular guy looking for that perfect spot for my summer vacation. I want to go as far off the beaten path as my WiFi will allow. 

Travel Agent

I'm just a regular guy and I went to my travel agent to book a cruise. She asked how much I wanted to spend. I gave her a dollar amount and she said, "If that's all you want to spend, I suggest you go home and watch the Travel Channel."

Cut and Paste

I'm just a regular guy and "cut and paste" technology is great, but I miss the taste of paste!

Retirement

I'm just a regular guy and all I'm asking from retirement is health, happiness, and harmony. And, bacon - lots and lots of bacon!

Optometrist

I'm just a regular guy and I got some bad news from my optometrist yesterday. It seems that my hindsight is no longer 20/20.

Worn Out Books

I'm just a regular guy and since retiring, I have two nearly worn out books. The second most worn out book is "Do It Yourself for Dummies." The most worn out book is "How to Get Others to Do It for Dummies!"

Leaky Faucet

I'm just a regular guy and this was our conversation yesterday ... 

ME: "OK, Babe. I've got my tools, and I'm ready to fix the leak." 

BABE: "OK, Sweetie. I've got the phonebook, and I'm ready to call the plumber!"

Unsafe Website

I'm just a regular guy and I want to tell you straight up, if a website asks you to sign in with your Social Security number, Mother's maiden name, bank account number, home address, phone number, and date of birth, it's not an extra security measure.

New Doctor

I'm just a regular guy and I've been trying to find a doctor since retiring to Phoenix, AZ. The first one I visited had a sign in the waiting room:

No after hours service
No eMails
No long procedures
No house calls
No "There there's" 
No pats on the back

His name was Dr. Dolittle

Fountain

I'm just a regular guy and I say, "Forget the Fountain of Youth. Show me the Fountain of Bacon!"

Deductibles

I'm just a regular guy wondering about how perfectly well I am once I meet my deductibles. 

Playing Doctor

I'm just a regular guy and I enjoyed playing doctor until I was about 10 years old. Then, insurance forms, co-pays, and malpractice suits took away all the fun. 

Blood Pressure

I'm just a regular guy and my doctor just gave me a double dose of bad news: my blood pressure is now higher than my credit score!