A New Age

I'm just a regular guy and before I retired, I learned about different metal ages: the "Bronze Age" and the "Iron Age." Now that I'm retired, I'm learning about another metal age: the "Lead-in-the-Pants Age."

Cough

I'm just a regular guy and I knew I was in the wrong clinic when the doctor put his hand on my wallet and asked me to cough. 

At that Age

I'm just a regular guy and I'm at the age when I can polka for hours, but can't bend over to pick up a gum wrapper.

Retirement Dilemma

I'm just a regular guy with this retirement truth: Two can live as cheaply as one ... but only half as long!

Social Media

I'm just a regular guy wondering why we call it "Social Media" when there is nothing social about it!

Keeping Up with the Joneses

I'm just a regular guy and, forget about the Joneses — I can't even keep up with the Flintstones.

Summer Vacation

I'm just a regular guy looking for that perfect spot for my summer vacation. I want to go as far off the beaten path as my WiFi will allow. 

Travel Agent

I'm just a regular guy and I went to my travel agent to book a cruise. She asked how much I wanted to spend. I gave her a dollar amount and she said, "If that's all you want to spend, I suggest you go home and watch the Travel Channel."

Cut and Paste

I'm just a regular guy and "cut and paste" technology is great, but I miss the taste of paste!

Retirement

I'm just a regular guy and all I'm asking from retirement is health, happiness, and harmony. And, bacon - lots and lots of bacon!

Optometrist

I'm just a regular guy and I got some bad news from my optometrist yesterday. It seems that my hindsight is no longer 20/20.

Worn Out Books

I'm just a regular guy and since retiring, I have two nearly worn out books. The second most worn out book is "Do It Yourself for Dummies." The most worn out book is "How to Get Others to Do It for Dummies!"

Leaky Faucet

I'm just a regular guy and this was our conversation yesterday ... 

ME: "OK, Babe. I've got my tools, and I'm ready to fix the leak." 

BABE: "OK, Sweetie. I've got the phonebook, and I'm ready to call the plumber!"

Unsafe Website

I'm just a regular guy and I want to tell you straight up, if a website asks you to sign in with your Social Security number, Mother's maiden name, bank account number, home address, phone number, and date of birth, it's not an extra security measure.

New Doctor

I'm just a regular guy and I've been trying to find a doctor since retiring to Phoenix, AZ. The first one I visited had a sign in the waiting room:

No after hours service
No eMails
No long procedures
No house calls
No "There there's" 
No pats on the back

His name was Dr. Dolittle

Fountain

I'm just a regular guy and I say, "Forget the Fountain of Youth. Show me the Fountain of Bacon!"

Deductibles

I'm just a regular guy wondering about how perfectly well I am once I meet my deductibles. 

Playing Doctor

I'm just a regular guy and I enjoyed playing doctor until I was about 10 years old. Then, insurance forms, co-pays, and malpractice suits took away all the fun. 

Blood Pressure

I'm just a regular guy and my doctor just gave me a double dose of bad news: my blood pressure is now higher than my credit score!

Test Results

I'm just a regular guy still questioning this whole Medicare thing. I saw my doctor for a minor issue the other day. After a battery of tests, he came back into the room and said, "Well, Mr. Hill, the test results show you are out of money!"

Medicare Woes

I'm just a regular guy and the more I learn about Medicare, the more skeptical I become. I went to my doctor for a minor procedure. He said, "You can have a general anesthesia or just be numbed from the wallet down."

Aging

I'm just a regular guy reminding you that aging has its advantages. Unfortunately, at my age, I can't remember what they are. 

Wrinkles

I'm just a regular guy and, yesterday, my dear Janet told me that I now have a lot of wrinkles. I said, "They're not wrinkles, they're laughter lines." She said, "Then, something must have been hilariously funny!"

Computer with an Attitude

I'm just a regular guy and I don't know which is worse: a computer with a virus, or a computer with an attitude. This morning I needed information and I said, "Good morning, SIRI." It responded, "Whatever!"

Back-Up

I"m just a regular guy and I tried to back up the hard drive of my computer, but I couldn't find reverse.

New Doc

I'm just a regular guy and we just moved to Phoenix, AZ One of the first things we did was look for a new doctor. I knew we selected the wrong place when the doctor said, "Let's begin your examination with a simple co-ordination test. Please swipe your credit card here!"

Can You Hear Me Now?

I'm just a regular guy and my audiologist thinks I need a hearing something or other.

New iPhone

I'm just a regular guy and yesterday I got the new iPhone. I was excited to get the "unlimited" phone plan until I realized there's no limit to how much they can charge me each month. 

Exercise

I'm just a regular guy and I did 103 push-ups this morning. Well, actually, I did 3. It's much more gratifying when you count the way it feels!

Valentine's Day

I'm just a regular guy reminding you that something special happens every year in the middle of February ... Tons of Valentine candy goes on clearance!

Investment Manager

I'm just a regular guy and I knew I had picked the wrong investment manager when I read his advertisement on FaceBook: "Our financial strategies are approved by Gambler's Anonymous."

Odd Job

I'm just a regular guy and I just finished mounting my trombone to the ceiling of our house. It's one of the first odd jobs I've done in retirement.